“Who are you?” he would ask, looking into my eyes and bouncing me on one knee.

“I’m Papa’s Sweetpatootie,” I’d say loudly with pride and giggle as he covered my face with kisses.  He was my Dad’s father, the ‘good’ grandfather, the one whom I adored.

This picture is old and has something on it…It’s not a scar or scab but something on the print.

I was probably two, maybe three, when this picture was taken.  I was staying at Papa and Sweetgraw’s house and from what my mother recalls he thought I was so cute with a Kool-Aid smile he couldn’t resist taking me to the nearby JC Penny’s to frame the moment professionally. It remained framed and on his dresser even after his death.

Looking at this picture I see a precious little girl that I want to pick up into my arms, squeeze tight, lavish her with love and never let her go.  The love I received is vivid in the picture and over three decades later it can still have an effect on me so much so that when I want to recall a time that I feel safe, secure and unconditionally loved this picture is what comes to mind.

Soon life happened and I didn’t want to receive the love, regardless of its nature.  I remember backing away from Papa, from my own father and any other man that wanted to show me true and pure love.  Because of one man’s behavior towards me I couldn’t accept any behavior as good, let alone holy and pure, which changed the definition of the ultimate love -God’s love.  Instead of it filling me up and standing in the cracks where human love failed I saw it as unattainable and not meant for me.

Papa never gave up on me.  Even though I began to turn away from his kisses and hugs, no longer wanting to sit on his lap or look him in the eye, he still called me his Sweetpatootie till the day he died when I was 14.  My dad never gave up on me either and I know it’s been a struggle for him to not understand why all of his girls would turn away from his honest, fatherly affections.  But he hasn’t given up and though dejected many times by each one of us he loves us with all that he is.

Eventually, I came to recognize who I am in God’s eyes.  I’m still this little girl with pig-tails, chubby cheeks and a Kool-Aid smile.  I’m His beloved.  His wonderful creation.  His Sweetpatootie.

Today God has lavished me with His love and instead of squirming and wiggling out of His grasp I am sitting on His knee, looking into His eyes and proclaiming who I am in Him.  “I’m your beloved!”  Thank you, Lord, for the affirmation you gave me in a call from a woman in Connecticut.  Thank you, Lord, for your affirmation for another woman in Boston.  Thank you, Lord, for the opportunity to be validated within my ministry and serve other women at the Wellspring’s Village.  Thank you, Lord, for hearing my prayers today when I asked, “Lord, I’ve helped one, may I help another?  Show me this is where I need to be.”  You took hold of my hand, Lord, and framed the moment professionally showing me, “Look, my beloved, you don’t have to be dolled up and put together perfectly to be my delight.  I love you as you are.”

God loves you as you are, with messed up hair and Kool-aid smiles.  What hurts have kept you away from His love?  Stop running.  Turn back to Him and hold onto His hand.

Blessings

Shannon

Wind howling, coconut trees bending, waves crashing. AWESOME!!!

So we opened all of the doors and windows. Neal and I had a great breeze coming in our room, boys and Bubba not so much so they slept outside.  The electricity didn’t return till just now so we were pretty much camping with no running water, etc. We were taken to the basics of living. So what did we do? Went to the beach! And filled toilets with pool water…LOL bring me a beer!

Love it! I’ve read 1/2 a book already.

Blessings

Shannon

This is where I’ll be…  I’m embarrassed to admit it because it seems lavish or too good to be true.  I’d like to think of it as a blessing from God to our family who has been through a lot over the past five years.  The boys are antsy, bags packed, counting down the final eight hours before we get in a car headed to the airport.  Early early early morning flight… By the time you read this we are long gone!

We will be in Anguilla (no, not Antigua…Anguilla)…;)

I’m excited that we all get to embrace this experience for the first time together.  To have eight days on an island that lends to forced seclusion which means R E S T.  I have three books to read (I hope I get through one…I used to read one in a day!) and I plan to explore the island from top to bottom with the boys. 

I don’t know if I’ll blog.  I know I made the challenge for the year to blog daily but at this moment I feel I’m being asked to take a break from it all.  To be 100% fully invested in my family without having to drum up what I might say in the daily blog in the back of my mind.  I’ll keep notes, though, and in the end I’ll do a reflective summary of our time in the British West Indies.

This is a great time to SUBSCRIBE to the blog that way you receive them directly in your email box!  Otherwise be sure to CHECK BACK often.  I won’t be gone long… THANK YOU to Tina, Amanda and Bo for housesitting and keeping Bailey company!!!   No parties at the Deitz house unless we are there to join you!

Blessings

Shannon

That’s what makes it funny, really, that it is the index finger…when you type (the correct way) you use the index finger quite often.  I’m sure you get the picture.   But I couldn’t leave town for my vacation without sharing a meeting I had with the most amazing young woman.

Me and Nicole

Her name is Nicole, she is 18, and graduated from high school this past weekend.  She graduated after enrolling herself in school after landing from family member to family member and eventually in a women’s shelter.  I won’t go into detail but she has survived physical abuse, abandonment, rape at a young age by a family member, and upon being bounced around from home to home she was verbally and emotionally abused until one day she said, “I had enough.  I knew I was worth more than what was going on.”

The day she turned 18 she moved out of the abusive home she was in and sought refuge in the shelter.  God strategically began placing people in her life from this moment forward and she found a friend to get her from the shelter and live with for a while, but this meant changing schools in her senior year.  That didn’t deter her. She said she kept telling herself, “I just need to move forward.”

Other obstacles were thrown her way during the last four months of her senior year but with each blow she brushed it off and kept living to her mantra, “Move forward.”  Only six weeks away from graduating she found herself homeless again but by the grace of God had a friend who lived over an hour from where she was attending school who was willing to let her live with him and drive her to and from school every day so she could finish.  This is when my friend Lori met Nicole. 

She was standing in the dark by the high school waiting on her ride because often she would have to wait for him to get off of work before he could drive down to pick her up.  Sometimes she sat outside of the school till 8 or 9pm.  Other times she’d find work to do for her teachers, cleaning houses, etc until he was able to get her.  Lori, a modern-day saint, couldn’t stand to see this young woman alone waiting and after meeting with her a few times told her she was welcome to stay in her home for the remainder of the school year so she could graduate and her friend could save on the gas money.

Lori and Nicole

Amazing.  Nicole is a pillar of strength and is ready to attend a junior college where she wants to study the Culinary Arts and possibly look into becoming a counselor to help those who’ve been abused.  When I gave her the Hopeful Hearts Charm and explained to her that it is a symbol of our victory, veneration and value she said, “I’ll wear this every day.  It reminds me that I can’t live in the past.  I have to move forward.”

I’m excited to see all the places she will go!   Meeting Nicole was a blessing amongst the hectic day of trying to get out of town.  I’m empowered by her and her story and I pray you are as well. 

No matter what has been done to you or against you or what struggle you are going through…remember to move forward.

Blessings

Shannon

“That’s ok,” I responded with love and a smile, “it just means I’m doing something right.”

Ryan was about 5 when we had that exchange and I was nonplussed to have him tell me he didn’t ‘like me’.  His essential survival still was dependent on me so I knew it would only take a few minutes for him to get past receiving punishment for whatever behavior or situation that had occurred.

I think about that now as I tend to my bruised heart.  Earlier he and I had gone to the mall to get him his St. Thomas High School attire (Khaki pants and Polos) so he would have something to wear when we get back from vacation and he goes directly into a summer study skills course at the school.

A commercial on the radio discussed a retirement home for the elderly and a gentleman was discussing how he wanted a ‘safe place’ for his mother.  I joked and asked Ryan if he would build me a small house off of his one day and take care of me when I got ‘old’. :D  This led into some fun banter and conversation which ultimately headed in the direction of Ryan saying something to the effect of, “I don’t know if my kids will like you.”

  I didn’t think I’d heard him correctly but I kept going along with the banter assuming he was still kidding.  “Why wouldn’t they like me?  You don’t think I’ll be a good grandmother?  Am I not a good enough mother?”

“You’re a good mom,” he said, “but you are really religious.  I don’t know if I’ll be like that so I don’t know if my kids will like it.”

Ryan has a knack for saying exactly what he feels, there is no shading the colors. 

“What do you mean by ‘religious’?” I asked.  “Because I think there are different definitions.”

He pondered this for a moment and then shrugged, “I don’t know, you know I have trouble with my words.”

Ha! Right…

“Do you feel like I ‘push’ religion on you?” I probed.  “Do you think I make you pray and make you love God?”

He shook his head.  “No,” he said. “That’s not what I mean.”

“You know, Ryan, my main prayer for you and Seth every day is this:  Please keep Ryan and Seth safe and in relationship with You so that they desire to serve You and follow Your will.  I know without a doubt that if you will remain in prayer with God and seek His will that everything else will be taken care of, no matter what decisions you make or which ‘Christian religion’ you are.  Don’t get me wrong, I want you to remain Catholic but I more importantly want what God’s plan is for you above all else.”

He sighed, sounding exasperated, “Mom, I want to be Catholic.  That’s not what I’m saying.”

I kept my eyes on the road and thought about what I do and how that must affect him so I asked, “Do I embarrass you, Ryan?”

He shrugged.  “Sometimes.  Not because of what you do, though.  Just because of who you are.  All my friends think I am super religious too because of you.  I don’t like being labeled just because you are who you are.”

Fair enough.  I get that, I thought to myself.  Kind of like being a preacher’s kid.  Before I could say anything else he said something that redeemed the moment…a little. 

“I can say there is no other mom like you.  You are different than everyone else’s mom.  I like that,” he said.

I wanted to say, “Well which is it?  I’m too religious or I’m ‘different’?”  But I refrained.  Instead, after a long period of silence I decided to ask something that I know is really only relevant in the moment but I asked any way. 

“Do you like me, Ryan?”

He didn’t need to think about it (thank you, God).  “Yes,” he stated bluntly. 

“I mean like who I am,” I said.  “Because I guess you don’t really have to like me all the time.  I don’t expect you too.  For instance, I will always always love you, no matter what you do I will always love you, but there are times that I might not like what you do or even how you are being.  The same goes for how you feel about me.  So I just wonder if maybe you don’t really ‘like’ me right now?”  I thought about what I’d just said and added, “Like if you weren’t my son, would you like me?”

He looked at me then and said, “Parents shape so much of who we are (I’m not kidding you that he said this…) so I couldn’t say.  If you weren’t my mom and I was raised by someone else I don’t know if I would ‘like’ you or not.  But I like you.  You are just different.” 

A few moments later he included, “Mom, I wouldn’t want you to change.”

I couldn’t respond for the boulder that had wedged itself in my esophagus.  I smiled, reached over and pat his hand. 

I don’t need my kids approval of how I parent and discipline and I don’t need to be the mom that all their friends think is ‘cool’.  However, I think all of us moms want to know that there is some part of who we are that they enjoy. 

If you are a parent of a teenager do me a favor don’t conform yourself to what you think they ‘want’ you to be in order to be ‘cool’ or ‘have approval’… be the you that God has led you to become because despite the ‘eye rolling’ arguments and ‘you’re embarrassing me!’ comments, Ryan is right, they are shaped by you.  If you are being led by God on this treacherous journey then there is no need to fear.

Blessings

Shannon

I have a list of several items that I need to take care of in order to get out of town (actually, out of the country) to have a week that I might call ‘vacation’.  The issue is I have exactly one day, 24 hours, from the day we get back to make sure I am prepared to head out of town again for the International Christian Retail Show and make sure Seth is ready to leave for camp for a week.

We had this family vacation planned for an entire year so the dates of all the other events was not something I would have planned this way.  However, it is what it is and I’m excited to attend both.  I just need to be one step ahead and somehow not let my kids get to me!

I was so ready for school to be ‘out’ and yet I forget how my day is disrupted by the constant call of “Mom!” followed by a question or complaint or a desire to tell me about a show they watched or a game they played.  For the latter I try to be as attentive as possible (despite the looming list that has come to life pulsating on my desk).  Today I obliged to take some time to take them to the store  and let them spend some hard earned money they’ve saved through the year.  Even though this took almost two hours I tried to do it with a pleasant attitude.

This meant I needed to do three tasks at once when I got home. I was on the phone with someone who had set this exact time to speak with me over a week ago, organizing Seth’s camp trunk to see what needed to be purchased before we left and trying to ward off Seth’s consistent questions despite the fact that I was on the phone.

Before I knew it I was listening to a woman who was upset with her own family, needing to vent with me on the phone, hearing Seth complain because he didn’t realize the Pepperoni Hot Pockets had sauce in them (really??) and then Ryan telling Seth that he didn’t need to have syrup with his ego waffles because they were flavored!  This erupted in a fight among them that I could not escape from no matter where I went in the house, which ended the phone call (the poor woman not getting the attention she deserved) and me yelling at the top of my lungs for both of them to STOP! and LEAVE EACH OTHER ALONE! only to leave me upset because I’ve managed to avoid yelling for quite a while.

Remind me again why I’m rushing around to get out of town for eight days?  Oh yes, that’s right, to have a nice and peaceful family vacation.  *sigh*

Top it all off, I think my ‘God moment’ was when Seth came to me just now and said, “Mom, I hope you get a good night sleep tonight.  I think you just need some sleep.”  :D

If he weren’t so darn cute…

Nothing is so bad that you can’t find some humor in your day.

Blessings

Shannon

Every day I get a little hint of  what patience means if I get an itch to have a quick snack.  My yellow lab, Bailey, hears the pantry door open and within seconds she is in the kitchen, giving me about two to three feet of space, and stares at the floor…waiting.

What is she waiting for you might ask?  For me to be a slob and drop something from a bag like a pretzel or a goldfish cracker.  Most of the time I never drop anything but apparently I have in the past because she knows to stare at the floor! :/  I will admit there are times that I feel so bad for her I might let one fall from my hand by ‘accident’.  She gives it the two second rule for me to claim it and then she swoops in.

She is so patient but determined.  She knows that if she stares at that floor dutifully when one of us is a the pantry it will pay off.  On the days it doesn’t she just looks at me and then follows me into the living room and lays down.  There will always be another day and another trip to the cupboard!

Don’t get discouraged today if what you’ve been waiting for hasn’t happened.  Keep waiting, be patient and don’t lose your determination.  Patience pays.

Blessings

Shannon

Two days ago I blogged about my request to find another survivor to offer one more aspect to the “I Have a Voice” Video Campaign and then the next day I was blessed to be able to blog how God answered the request and put in my path Nicole, one of His beloved.

Today I was not expecting to receive yet another answer!  His grace overflows.   I was at Papa’s Ice House in Spring, TX supporting my friend, and fellow survivor, Cheryl with her ministry “My Daughter’s House” which is the name of the safe house for Mission at Serenity Ranch (the refuge for victims of the sex slave trade).  We support one another’s ministries and go to one another’s fund raisers.  They were having a Car Show benefitting Mission at Serenity Ranch and I set up a booth among the vendors of Scentsy, Mary Kay and others and knew if anything I would at least get the word out to someone if I didn’t sell anything.  Ryan joined me for the first part of the day and was a volunteer for Cheryl and her group helping with the Car Smash.

Doesn’t this look like fun??

Cheryl and her volunteers.

While I was sitting and watching the people take their aggression out on the car a young man came up to the table and was looking at the charms.  He then saw my poster, looked at me, then back at the poster and said “That’s you!”. 

I laughed, “Yes, that’s me.” 

“I was reading the back of your book when you weren’t here a bit ago.  It is amazing that you are so open about your story.  And I love what this charm means.” 

“Thank you,” I said.  Before I could get anything else out he said, “I’m a survivor too.  Stuff as a kid, then really bad stuff when I was older, I was deep into drugs too and then one day I saw God face to face and my life changed.”

That was a lot to put in one sentence yet he did.  I looked at him with understanding and encouraged him, “I believe you,” I said  “Tell me about it.”

So he did.  He told me about how he was beaten as a child by his parents but he never really understood at the time that no one else was being treated the way they were.  Later as a teen he was a model in New York (he is from the New Jersey area) and during that time things would be done to him while he was in an intoxicated state, or he’d be slipped something and he’d wake up and be in a situation he didn’t want to be in.  This led to deeper drug use to block out everything that was being done.  Then one day he was in an accident and died…then, from what he recalls, he came back and that was when he ‘saw God’.  He didn’t know that he had been in a coma for months in that time period. 

Me and Jacob

To him it was all one time frame.  When he was well again he began to have this desire to draw the face of God, “Or it could have been the face of the Holy Spirit,” he later said.  “All I know is that it was God and he said to me, ‘Jacob, you’ve been asking me to show myself to you so here I am.’ but I didn’t believe it and then he said, ‘Jacob look’ and he was everywhere.  Literally everywhere. And then he was in me.”  He said his life changed from that moment forward.  He got clean, went to school and got his BS in Psychology and came to Texas at the urging of God’s direction.  He said he knows he wants to become a counselor and help others like him one day.

There is much more to his amazing story which is why when he said, “How can I be a part of your ministry.  I want to help.  I want to speak out too and help others to speak out.”  That is when I realized he would be great for the Video campaign too, and another male voice which is great!  I discussed this with him and he is on board too!  Yeah! 

We will probably film them in August and have them as a continuation of the campaign.  I’m still in awe of God’s abundance in his giving, love and grace.

Open your heart to the possibilities of how generous God wants to be to you today.  Pray to find the grace to feel worthy of the abundance of love he desires to give you.

Blessings

Shannon

For the most part today was an ‘uneventful’ day helping friends with moving into new homes and AC issues at another.  Nearing dinner time I dropped into Jennika’s to visit with Jennifer and catch up on our lives.  I told her about the videos and how I was happy with the four I’d seen so far but that I felt like there was one more aspect that needed to be addressed before the entire campaign felt ‘complete’.  I’d made this same comment to the producers via email yesterday to see how they felt about me finding one more survivor who fit the bill with the message I had in mind and they were all for the job.

We had moved on in our conversation, talking about our boys, when this tall, striking woman walked into the store.  Jennifer acknowledged her and made sure to see if she needed helping finding anything and when she told us she was just looking we continued our conversation.  At one point she came near our direction and I asked her if she wanted a glass of wine (if you catch her near close you just might get a glass of wine at Jennika’s…sshhh).  The woman smiled and said, “No thank you, I don’t drink alcohol.”  Jennifer and I in unison said, “No wonder why you look so good!”

She (Nicole) smiled politely and went about shopping but something about her had my attention.  She mentioned something else and I knew, ‘She’s a survivor.’  She came to the counter and Jennifer took notice of something else she was buying and we picked up conversation.  I began to ask her questions that might have seemed a bit personal but something kept telling me, ‘Ask her!’…so I obliged.

In five minutes enough was said that I pointed to my book from where Jennifer had them displayed and said, “That’s my book, take it.  It’s yours.”  Nicole picked it up and upon reading the back she had this look in her eye and said, “This gives me the chills.”  And like she’d known us for years she said, “Let me check my life off to you in reference to your book,” and proceeded to tell us more intimate details about her family and other things that left me with a bobbing head, understanding and empathizing.

Nicole stayed and talked to us for about 30 minutes when it dawned on me that what she was telling me was the very component we were missing in the “I Have a Voice” Campaign.  I’m sure she didn’t see me coming when I said, “Would you be interested in telling your story in front of a camera to raise awareness and offer hope to others?”  Her eyebrows raised but her smile widened.  I quickly went on to explain more of what I do and about the campaign.

There is much to be considered for her to agree but her instinct told her ‘yes’…her husband’s approval is needed to go ‘public’ which I respect greatly.  Whether or not Nicole officially agrees to do the video I feel as if God sent her into that store to be an answer to my request.  The air in the room crackled with the energy that erupted from our conversation and before she left she told us about a moment that allowed her to fully embrace the presence and reality of God in her life.

Nicole and I at Jennika’s (remember it was a LONG day for me!)

Her son was going through a very difficult spine surgery and though she, her husband and the other family members were not ones to ‘believe’ in God, they were concerned enough to turn him over to a ‘higher power’ and gathered in his room to pray.  Nicole prayed out loud within the confines of the room for God to watch over her son and surround him with a legion of angels.  Awhile later they were standing near the doorway when she felt like she saw a shadow flit by and then a few moments later a woman came to the door.  She entered and said, “Excuse me, I know this might seem odd but I feel as if God wants you to know that He is watching over your son and he is surrounded by angels.  There are literally angels filling this room right now.” (That is paraphrased of course.)

The hair on Nicole’s arms raised as her flesh prickled with goosebumps retelling the story.  The light that emitted from her smile made it clear she knew God had sent that woman to her.  Possibly that woman could have been an angel herself.  There was no way that woman could have known she had prayed for her son to be surrounded by a legion of angels.

Before Nicole left she acknowledged that God’s plan is an intricate one and that moment in the hospital got her to fully believe in Him and possibly set the stage for other members.  It was a gift for me to see this woman, stranger to me, beam like a beacon with the love of Christ.  I am blessed for having met her for a moment regardless if our ‘chance’ meeting goes on to produce more fruit.

Don’t give up on a day that seems mundane, you never know who will walk through your door.

Blessings

Shannon

My skin is prickled with the presence of the Holy Spirit because all of this was brought on by God, put to fruition with God’s timing and now,  watching the videos, it is leaving me speechless with His power.  I don’t know how these will be received or where God will take them but I believe each video will reach the person or people God intended to reach and that is fine with me.

What makes me even more ‘in awe’ is one of the survivors, Jenna, an 18 year old survivor of incest by her grandfather.  I met her last October at a conference where I was speaking.  She had heard about Hopeful Hearts and what we do and we ended up talking about what had been transpiring in her life since telling her parents about the abuse.  In a short time she has come so far and I am so proud of her.

Meeting her brings truth to the verse that we meet people for a reason.  I had no idea my own memories would resurface and how much of a comfort she would be for me.  As Jenna told her story for the cameras the same skin prickling began to happen because she was saying almost verbatim what I had said in my taping hours before (where she was not present).   Watching the videos gives a glimpse into the same type of abuse but two different messages… both that need to be told…both reaching a victim on different levels.

Thanking God for having met Jenna I suddenly received a text message from Jenna to look at her FaceBook status a part of which says:

…Helping her with her Hopeful Hearts Foundation gives me hope, faith, and reassurance that I can go out and help others, and I can make a difference! …

Jenna wants to do ‘what I do’ and work for Hopeful Hearts when she gets out of college.  ….God Bless Her!! lol  But I do believe God has amazing plans for her future.  If it is to work for Hopeful Hearts Ministry then I will be blessed beyond measure!

This evening we went to see a movie as a family, “Now You See Me”.  It is an excellent movie that keeps you guessing till the very end and then you find yourself saying, “Ahhh, yes, makes sense.” I would say something else but it would be a big spoiler and I don’t want to do that to you.  In fact, once you see the movie maybe you’ll understand what I’m about to say but the planning that goes into what is pulled off in the movie (the final reveal) is like a metaphor for how intricate God’s plan is for our individual journey’s.

A design so detailed, complicated and the only way it can work is if we follow His plan.  One move made on our own out of fear, disbelief, pride etc can throw the plan off kilter – and might take double the steps to get back in sync.

What does God have that magic doesn’t?  He is a mystery that can move mountains.

Blessings

Shannon